I was the one who fidgeted, the one who’s half of the attempts to connect to conversations were almost inaudible. The one who could seem genuinely entangled into everything dangling with your keys in an attempt to hide my unfeminine kind of shorter, “not so pink painted” nails. I am sorry they got killed in the company of my esteem apprehensions and over thinking. Lol. It’s thoughtful of the eateries, these sensitive music choices to stir me and my anxiety even further, but apparently, it’s all sorted in lighting, that dim. Silence and even more silent observation have been a nice cover all this while.

The staircase of that place I remember, it was still this, made of subtle glass, intriguing enough, unsteady enough, shady enough just as us, and if you’re kind enough to pay attention, you would just see what was beneath them, and that was dangerously beautiful I remember, just as us? Yes, just as us, waiting to be probed compassionate, deeper than this scarless skin, mellow and ignorant as we may seem to be. And then, it was a little heavier, a little more difficult to step further, a little more easy to re-forget directions ahead.

There is this thing about humans; their fragility lies in their eyes. The reason I often keep them decorated. I want you to find me, only if you chose to. Simple. A had some humans to be generous to, I had to fight my contemplation at somewhat regular intervals to appear one among them.

Strawberry was a delighting flavor indeed to regret upon. Just like our exes. Lol. I remember why I settled on booze at first place, I wanted to be able to say. I wanted to be able to heal. I wanted to feel okay or probably not feel anything at all, to be what I am, or not be at all. I wanted to be tranquilized. When life seemed sort of an ugly business, my way of rebellion “alive” was simply to go to sleep. And maybe someday we could be counting on the most wronged probabilities of ever getting up? Or what if, we never wanted to?

The deeper fear might be to fall from a cliff, deepest, nothing to hold you back.



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